Friday, January 3, 2014

Resolutions for Deranged Farm Managers...

Emphasis on...Resolve:

     Around a farm there are always a lot of things that need to be resolved.  In fact, there are so many of them that they could easily be spread out over six or seven years.  Sort of like depreciating a truck.  Thirty-percent the first year, ten-percent each year afterward and in five years the problem is completely gone.  Not only is it gone, but it generated a refund from the IRS in the process.  Naturally, that was before tax reform.  Nowadays, they would disallow the problem, penalize you an additional bad habit and insist that you only declare resolutions under five-acres in size.  I suppose that they could also conclude that any person with that many problems has little time to run a business.

     I don’t think it is totally hopeless.  Tragic maybe.  But after a long year or so of trying to raise horses in the rainforest, managing an urban renewal project financed by subterfuge and counterfeit paperwork while dealing with the vagaries of humanity and the heart in general, I still believe that some resolutions can be met.  I am going to start with these:


1)      I am not going to let Doc breed a mare that is worth less than his lawnmower.  She is going to have to find her own date.


2)      The next time a horse knocks down a fence, I’m going to declare it ‘environmental revisionist thinking ’ and leave it that way.  I have no idea what that means and nobody else will either.


3)      I am never going to lose my temper with a yearling again.  (Well, maybe.)


4)      The stallion will learn some manners.  I’m sure I can hire somebody mean (or terminally ill) to deal with that one.


5)      Maybe consider moving my bed a little further from the window.  Just a foot or so.


6)      I will live to see a vet bill under $500.


7)      I’m going to find a cat with some degree of loyalty and table manners.


8)      I will deal with the manure pile before it decides to deal with me.


9)      All halter breaking will take place in-utero.


10)   I’ll hear a trainer say, “You know, you could be right.”


11)   I am going to check my rubber boots for slugs before I put them on.


12)   I am not going to get my thumb caught in the manure spreader¼again.


13)   I will confess the whole sordid story of farm finances to Elaine.  (The boss's wife.), Actually, I’ll send her an anonymous telegram from Mexico.


14)   I’m never going to try to look smart in front of Jesse again.  Boy, that’s an easy one.  Wonder why it’s so far down the list?


15)   And, if it happens to work and she’s willing, I am going to ask that woman to marry me.  Or go steady, or¼still, I’ll have to quit smoking.  And maybe reconsider the advantages of a college education.  Who knows?  Might write a book or something.
From:  Well, you probably guessed that already!

Next time:  New Year's Resolutions for Cowboys on the Bozeman Trail

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