|The Anvil Archives: Rob Edwards, Publisher Extraordinaire|
RA$HA [The Rich And Scientific Horseshoers Association]
© Andy Juell
First published in ANVIL Magazine (Mid-80's)
Well, I have had quite enough. First it was the AFA, then the WSFA, then FAWS, then Walt Taylor's WFA and pretty soon the Interplanetary FA, just in case someone is stupid enough to want to shoe horses on Venus. So I am going to add RA$HA to the ever-growing list of farriers' groups, as not only is it a cute name for a small dog, but it will also fill the one last void in American horseshoeing: the rich guys. Here is a rundown on our rules, ideology, contests, membership requirements, and drinking habits.
|RASHA President and Certification Enforcer.|
"We got oil!"
The association was formed last week for no apparent reason. In light of that, our board of directors (who wish to remain anonymous, particularly in the Islamic world), still felt that there was no association in the world to represent rich people; who, by some accident of birth, ended up as horseshoers. By filling this void, it is hoped that people like Jay Leno will invite us to be on their TV shows and ask us irrelevant questions about life or Brad Pitt's last movie.
The International Association of Rich and Scientific Horseshoers will have strict membership requirements. Well, most of the time anyway.
1. Applicant must be rich. Proof of richness should be mailed in small bills to: Association Secretary, P.O. Box 5, Tijuana, Mexico.
2. Applicant should show some degree of scientific ability. This may be ascertained by a), straightening a bent pritchel, b), operating a small electric drill, or c), giving a brief verbal explanation of what pine tar tastes like.
3. Applicant must be able to accurately distinguish a five-dollar tip from a one-hundred dollar tip and be able to react to a small tip with the proper hostility.
4. Applicant must pass the National Flinch Test.
OUR CODE OF ETHICS:
"If you get paid, don't worry about it."
THE NATIONAL FLINCH TEST:
All prospective members of the International Association of Rich and Scientific Horseshoers will be required to take the following examination: Each applicant will be required to shoe a horse in any chosen manner by that member (hiring someone else to do it is fine), with any materials that the applicant can find. Upon completion of the aforementioned horse (there will be no time limit), said applicant will present a totally outlandish bill to either (A) George Steinbrenner, (B) a Jewish haberdasher from Brooklyn, or (C) Mike Tyson. A panel of four judges, drawn at random from a local plumbers' union will decide if, in the course of presenting the bill, the applicant either flinches, bats an eye, becomes embarrassed, or God forbid, adjusts the bill in the client's favor. There will be a five-minute time limit (65 seconds if applicant draws Mike Tyson for the exam), in which the testers may say or do anything short of a Class B felony to the applicant. Those individuals found to have failed the test will be required to pay the association the sum of $125.00 (no checks) and may not reschedule an examination for at least 24 hours, or until the judges sober up, whichever comes first. Those applicants passing the exam will receive $50.00 in cash from each current member, an invitation to join the Republican Party, a year's supply of oakum courtesy of the plumbers' union, a video cassette of the movie True Grit, Donald Trump's cellular number, and a year's subscription to Forbes Magazine.
THE ANNUAL COMPETITION:
Once a year, The International Association of Rich and Scientific Horseshoers will hold a competition to determine the championships in our five recognized divisions: Best Truck, Best Outfit, Most Creative Use of a Cellular Phone, Most Outrageous Promotional Gimmick, and the Overall, All-Around Farrier Czar of the Day, which will be decided upon by the horseshoer exhibiting the absolute laziest way possible to get a few bucks from the audience.
JUDGES FOR THIS YEAR'S EVENT:
Dick Cheney, DpSHT; Jimmy Hoffa, RIP; and Warren Buffet, $$$$.
In the event of a tie, Mr. Andy Juell, QXTE will NOT cast a deciding vote unless money or a lewd encounter is involved.
CLASS 1: Best Truck. This class will be open to any vehicle with less than seven axles. Weight not to exceed 60,000lbs., or overall length of 40 feet. Contestant may present truck in any acceptable manner. Please though, no obvious nudity. In the event of a tie, all cigarette butts, candy wrappers, and old donuts will be carefully removed from the cab and weighed. First Prize: A free triple bypass by the surgeon of your choice, or an all-expenses paid -- two week vacation at a Nevada brothel, or women: 12-hour shopping spree in the Nordstrom's shoe department. On us!
CLASS 2: Best Outfit. This is a split-division class. Female entrants will be judged on poise, confidence, and their use of shoes and/or accessories. Chaps are required. The men's division will be judged on number and quality of tattoo's, overall strength (aluminum can crushing, hammer throwing, etc), and best abs -- enthusiastic audience participation encouraged here. In both divisions, cross-dressing is discouraged; DNA testing will be mandatory.
First Prize Women's Division: Leonardo DiCaprio's phone number.
First Prize Men's Division: More beer or something made of chrome.
CLASS 3: Most Creative Use of a Cellular Phone. This is an open class to be judged on the ingenuity of the contestant. Example: Last year's winner ear-twitched his favorite trainer with the cord while ordering sushi from the local takeout bar. First Prize: 500 shares of stock in Verizon, two Super Bowl tickets, and a guest appearance on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. In the event of a tie, the winner will be determined by the balance owing on their American Express Card.
CLASS 4: Most Outrageous Promotional Gimmick. (Sponsored by the makers of Sorbothane, Hoof Bond, Big Bob's Plastic Pritchel Co., and The Barefoot Alliance.) This is a thinking man's class, and all contestants will be provided with lounge chairs and a cocktail of their choice. Deep furrowed brows, smoking ears, and migraine headaches will be given special consideration. The winner will be established by the first contestant to successfully earn $1,200.00 without getting up from his or her chair. Lying is optional, with a two-hour time limit for ascertaining the truth. First Prize: Tammy Faye Baker's face embossed on a belt buckle, $52,000 in legal fees, and a month's stay at the institution of your choice.
OVERALL CHAMPION CZAR PERSON: The annual champion of The International Association of Rich and Scientific Horseshoers' Annual Contest will be determined by the accumulation of the most points. In line with the philosophy of the association, the judges have determined that the points may be stolen, embezzled, blackmailed, or bought from other contestants. In the event of a tie, the contestants will be allowed to reach a settlement on their own. However, this class is closed to attorneys, unless they have been recently disbarred and/or jailed. Prize: Fourteen feet of cow intestines, a pair of tight jeans, and Wayne Newton's favorite horse.
Annual Membership dues for the International Association of Rich and Scientific Horseshoers will be one dollar. Life memberships are 50 cents, plus 1.5% of all income received from clients by bad, questionable or larcenous means. Members will be entitled to our monthly newsletter (if we feel like printing it), our special decal (which has a picture of a rich guy running over a Hungarian immigrant), and the knowledge of knowing that they are a member of the world's finest association for Rich and Scientific Horseshoers.
E = MC (MasterCard Accepted)