Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Romeo & Juliet? Hopefully with a Different Ending

"A first date shouldn't be one of those instances where your life feels like it is being sucked out the front of your shoes.  Sure it's a little tense at first, what with your whole life seemingly at stake, but it's just a date.  Two people, sacred shitless, eating something messy like spaghetti in a public place -- with other people watching.  Other people that instinctively know it's your first date because you're eating too much garlic bread.  And the waiter -- he smiles a lot for  somebody on minimum wage.  Don't forget the valet.  He parked two vehicles.  One with a dog and another one that smelled funny and had a cat inside.  And you're sitting face to face.  Distance.  No chance for accidental body contact.  It's just a date!  Besides, I read somewhere that you can't get dumped on a first date.  Abandoned in a parking lot, but not dumped."

  Part II
3rd Date Protocols:

"Good thing she never found the toilet seat up.  Co-mingling toilets only happens after seven, maybe eight dates.  For now, it was off-limits.  I was in toilet etiquette training anyway.  Little Post-Its that read, "Flush -- Lid!" plastered on the mirror along with horse snot from you know who.  Funny, but she could probably accept a horse in the bathroom, but not the lid thing.  Or was I projecting?  You know, I'll do this because she'll be anticipating the opposite in hopes of me noticing her anticipation and thereby adjusting my behavior because I noticed her discomfort in what I was thinking about doing, but didn't.  There.  Makes perfect sense."

Part III
You Must Know the Hierarchy:

[The story's heroine was horsey, subsequently, certain rules exist.]  "This allows a man the most ingracious of faux pas (that's plural in case you were wondering), if it involves a horse.  Somehow, in the broken logic of Jesse's (the heroine's) mind, her mother could be offended as long as the offense first travleled through Jesse's horse.  I could not offend either one directly without the horse, and further, I could not offend the horse unless it had first offended Jesse, but not her mother.  Fathers were out of the loop completely and I was never able to clarify third-party offenses aimed at groups in general or somebody else's horse.  However, I could be offended equally by all, including Jesse's horse, and retalliation was considered the worst sort of response, bringing me full circle as far as offenses went.  It was a little like doing the seating arrangements at the UN.  "Hey Kofi, let's put Syria next to Israel -- see if they swap recipes or something."  Hell, the rules were so complicated I had to write them on my arm."


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