Monday, February 18, 2019

The Day the Horses Stopped Running...








The Day the Horses Stopped Running...


Copyright, A. Allan Juell, 2019. Frist appeared in the October 16th, 1999 issue of Thoroughbred Times. All Rights Reserved.


  During the winter of 1909, the New York Jockey Club voted to cease racing operations for the 1910 season. Horse racing would no longer be conducted in the state of New York or, for that matter, most of the United States. New York Governor Charles Evans Hughes, son of a Methodist-turned-Baptist preacher and reformer, had finally prevailed in a four-year battle to outlaw gambling in New York.
Charles Evans Hughes

     While preaching the “Protestant virtues of integrity, sobriety and industry” in his campaigns against gambling, what Hughes really wanted was to dry up the enormous funds being diverted from gambling revenues to the political machine known as Tammany Hall, an organization affiliated with the Democratic Party that through graft and influence literally ran the city of New York unchecked.

     Not unlike some of the political conflicts of the 1960’s and 1970’s, this fight pitted oil-guard New York conservatives against the rapidly growing power of immigrant entrepreneurs men and women who took quite literally the principles of free enterprise and capitalism.

     It was a clash of two very different worlds and societies, and in the end money would determine which faction – the old or the new – would control power. Their confrontation foreshadowed even greater changes in American society, and Thoroughbred racing – as the result of a tragicomic dispute between racetrack owners and bookmakers – caught in the middle of the fray. In this case, the sport’s factionalism nearly led to its demise.


New York Racing in Another Era

 August 26, 1896: Gravesend racetrack opens; owners of the Brooklyn Jockey Club are Michael and Philip J. Dwyer.
1895: Gambling other than at racetracks outlawed in New York.
1895: Charles Evans Hughes appointed counsel to state Senate panel investigating New York City.
1906: Charles Evans Hughes elected governor of New York.
June 11, 1907: Agnew-Hart Racing Bill becomes law, outlawing gambling both on and off racetracks.
1909: The Jockey Club votes to cease operations.
1910: Racetracks close, owners ship horses out of state or out of country, sell them to the Remount Service, or have them euthanized.
April 10, 1910: Charles Evans Hughes nominated to United States Supreme Court.
1913: Racing resumes in New York without legal wagering.
Philip J. Dwyer in the May 28, 1910, issue of The Thoroughbred Record:

“Why should the racetrack officials close the gates” he asked. “The new bills refer to bookmaking and gambling. The Jockey Club and the Racing Association have not permitted any transactions of such character since the Ives Pool law was wiped out.”


Dwyer Brothers:

     The roots of the struggle reached back into the 19th century. Enter the Dwyer brothers, Phil and Michael, Irish immigrants and butchers who managed to make a fortune in New York’s thriving meat-packing industry. Upwardly mobile and socially ambitious, they built Gravesend Racetrack in Brooklyn in the mid-1880’s, hoping to cash in on New York’s almost insatiable appetite for gambling.    
     However, they were far from being part of New York’s cultural elite. Phil, a pragmatic businessman, only felt “sporting” when the ink was black; Michael a hopelessly addicted gambler known for dropping huge sums of money on longshots. By 1900, the brothers had parted company, at least in a business sense, but both continued to hold court at the track.
     The brothers represented a sifting tide in the social demographics of Eastern cities. As early as 1855, 52% of New York City’s population was foreign-born, a result of the Industrial Revolution’s unending need for men, women and children to work in the textile factories and the new manufacturing plants.
     Immigration changed the face of American society and created a yawning social chasm never before witnessed in the young nation. Locked out of the more dignified professions and businesses, some of the newcomers made their livelihoods in gambling, which the New York Post described as “New York’s biggest business.”     

     In time, the social stratification neatly defined the gambling and antigambling camps. At first, the churches pitched their tents with the gamblers because the trickle-down theory kept the collection plates full.  The real split took place in Albany, New York’s state capitol, where gambling revenues began to upset the political status quo. In truth, reformers really wanted to turn back the clock, redistribute the wealth, and break the back of a new and menacing cartel composed of immigrants and primarily Irish Roman Catholics.

     The siren of social reform in New York wailed around 1860. New York’s population between 1840 and 1860 had increased by more than a half-million people, most newly landed immigrants.
     A few of these newcomers migrated toward illicit activities such as gambling because it offered them a degree of social mobility within their own group. Money from these activities provided a sense of self-esteem and a somewhat naïve confidence that these new Americans could indeed control their own environment. That was not the case. Over the next 50 years (until about1900), New York’s theme was the “rich get richer and the poor…more numerous.”  

City Services: 
     Most immigrant populations settled in ethnic neighborhoods, seeking comfort through the familiarity of mutual misery. City services such as gas, water and electricity were private enterprises, and many were controlled by the Democratic political bosses at Tammany Hall who traded votes (and political power), for the bare necessities of life.

     City services were lucrative ventures, and they were a steady source of patronage jobs. Apparently though, they not run particularly well. By the early 1900’s, conservative New Yorkers were shocked to see their community described as “the unhealthiest city in the world,” and the source of the criticism was their own New York Post.  

     Corruption was so rampant the word ceased to have any real meaning. If the Bronx wanted gas to light its street lamps, then it would have to accept four or five poolrooms and a house of prostitution to go along with it.

     Hughes, the future governor, was appointed to serve as counsel to a state Senate investigatory committee in 1905 to investigate New York city’s gas industry, and he got a good look at the tangled relationship between politics, business and gambling. Newspaper accounts of the hearings not only awakened the public to the degree of graft but also made it painfully clear on who was picking up the tab: the consumer.






     As the gubernatorial campaign of 1906 approached, Hughes entered the political spotlight. Incumbent Frank Higgins, wounded by the gas investigation of the previous year, was hammered for allowing New York City to operate like a medieval fiefdom. 



     He was being challenged by Democrat William Randolph Hearst, the millionaire publisher. Hearst, both courting Tammany Hall and simultaneously trying to distance himself from it, was known to have aspirations for the White House. Higgins was powerless to overcome Hearst’s manipulation of the New York press.

Hughes Elected:

     Anticipating a Democratic landslide, Higgins withdrew, passing the nomination to Hughes, who was running a reformist campaign under the banner of the Progressive Party. When the ballots were finally tallied, Hughes was the new governor, and he wasted little time in making good on his promise to clean up New York City.

     His first targets were the banking industries and public utilities, the same groups he had cut his teeth on in the Senate hearings. Included in this group were the telephone and telegraph companies, which were both heavily involved in his third target: gambling.
     In actuality, gambling had been outlawed since 1895, the result of a constitutional amendment that outlawed “lotteries, poolrooms and bookmaking.” The same year though, the New York legislature had passed the Percy-Gray Law legalizing racetrack gambling. The only problem was that most of the gambling was going on uptown in Manhattan poolrooms, far from the racetracks.
     Hughes first attempted to have the Percy-Gray Law repealed, arguing that it was in conflict with the 1895 constitutional amendment. However, the new governor was in for a fight. Racing interests were lining up in defense of their livelihood, and unlike their public personae as little more than seedy gamblers, the ranks also included New York social icons such as August Belmont and James R. Keene. 
     Financially, racing interests had deep pockets and were more than willing to use “their almost unlimited resources to maintain the security of their position.” Even the conservative-minded New York Times was skeptical about repealing the law, primarily because the statute guaranteed 5% of all racetrack receipts for the maintenance of agricultural fairs throughout the state.
:
How System Worked:
     How did the gambling system operate? Bookies were licensed at the various tracks by paying a flat fee through their respective syndicates (poolrooms), sometimes as much as $1000 a day for the privilege of accepting wagers both on and off the track. Odds, results and payouts were telegraphed back and forth between the racetrack and the poolrooms. 

 Not surprisingly, many racetrack owners had a financial interest in the gambling halls, and the borough bosses who controlled the police had many reasons to keep gambling businesses in operation as well. Thus, policemen focused on keeping the poolrooms open and controlling the competition, not enforcing the law. Michael Dwyer, the consummate gambler whose knowledge of horsemanship was highly suspect, nonetheless was listed as the official trainer for Boss (Richard) Croker, the Lord of Tammany Hall.
      As early as 1900, the proliferation of poolrooms in the city began to affect attendance at the racetracks. While these outside establishments continued to grow, the actual number of bookies paying tribute to owners such as the Dwyers remained about the same, with technology contributing to the efficiency of off-track operations.

     At the head of this new communication industry was Western Union, which by 1907 was processing more than 74-million messages a year in New York alone while posting profits of $5-million over the same period. The source: a vast network of wire services connecting racetrack bookies to the uptown poolrooms.
     Also vying for gambling revenues was the New York Telephone and Telegraph Co., the not-so-distant cousin of the modern-day AT&T. Both companies were highly private enterprises with their finances and operations completely outside state control. If a municipal authority questioned the nature of their business and/or clients, they either burned the ledgers or moved their operations offshore, quite literally relaying the information via wireless from ships stationed off the coast of New York, or in Chicago’s case, from the middle of Lake Michigan. 
     Fragmentation and competing interests have always been a part of horseracing; the interests of the racetrack owner and the bookmakers often collided then, just as racetrack and horsemen often disagree today on how to equitably distribute income from horse race wagering. The very public disagreements of 1906 certainly aided those who wished to shut down racing and its money machine.

     The Dwyers were not amused by the loss of revenues. Just prior to the spring meet of 1906, the brothers decided to raise bookmakers’ fees to $4000 a day. Naturally, the bookies and poolrooms balked, refusing to pay the significantly higher fee. Phil Dwyer, the far more aggressive of the brothers, then cut all the telegraph wires to the racetrack.
     With only two days to go before the Gravesend meet opened, Western Union responded by purchasing the defunct Sleight’s Hotel overlooking the track. Under contract with Peter DeLacy, one of New York’s gambling kingpins, Western Union was faced with the potential loss of a third of its income. Concerned, but undaunted, the telegraph company ran new wires from the hotel to DeLacy’s string of gambling halls.
     The only problem was that the view from the hotel included everything except the finish line. Western Union compensated for this inconvenience by hiring runners who raced back and forth from the track to the hotel with information on the finish of each race.

Pinkertons Lock Gates:
     When the Dwyers got wind of this activity, they hired 130 Pinkerton detectives under the command of Robert A. Pinkerton, who with his brother, “Big Bill,” headed the National Detective Agency. Once the 8,000 or so patrons entered the track, the detectives locked the gates. Their job: to patrol the grounds and eject anybody even remotely suspected of being a runner. 

     Not only did this action cause a great deal of indignation among the track’s patrons, but it also set off a journalistic frenzy. Typical was a headline in the New York World: “Track a Prison! Thousands Penned Up On Brooklyn Race Course. Pinkerton Sluggers Club Inoffensive Citizens!”
Pinkerton "Sluggers"


     The Pinkertons were labeled as “hybrid policemen” and “chuckleheads” by the New York press. Stories circulated of sick old men and women with babies being denied permission to leave the track. Newspapers let their biases be known too, with the Times and Sun leading the anti-gambling crusade, the Herald and World taking the opposite side. Reporters were at work on both sides circulating misinformation, unfounded speculation, and, in the spirit of the contest, outright lies. All of New York got caught up in the escalating war of words.
     With no real way to leave the track, Western Union’s operatives inside the track mimicked the real horses by wearing numbers on their backs corresponding to runners in the races. When the results were posted, these “human horses” would run their own race through the paddock, and the order of finish was duly recorded by telegraphers on the roof of the hotel. The Pinkertons began chasing the “horses,” who, in a panic to escape a clubbing, often fled the area in the wrong sequence, leaving gamblers like DeLacy with multiple results and dubious payouts.
     Runners also tried using hollowed-out wooden balls in which they had scribbled race results. These were tossed over the track fence to be retrieved by other runners who would sprint to the hotel to post the results. More often than not, the Pinkertons would intercept the balls, change the results, and leave the them to be discovered by unknowing Western Union employees. Occasionally, the balls would hit the wrong target, the Times reporting a story about one man “who was knocked senseless” by an errant ball.
     Western Union agents also smuggled in carrier pigeons in an effort to post results. Most ended up as target practice for the sharp-shooting Pinkertons. Like the wooden balls, some pigeons were captured, their messages changed, and they were freed to go on their way. It did not take DeLacy long to figure out that ten 40-1 longshots in one day lacked a certain degree of credibility.

Fencing Off Hotel:
     The racetrack was idle over the summer, but the Dwyers were busy just the same. They commissioned the construction of a 65-foot-high wooden fence facing the Sleight’s Hotel, effectively blocking the view to the track. Two days before Gravesend was scheduled to open its fall meet, carpenters showed up at the hotel and added a 42-foot tower to the top of the hotel’s cupola. The New York World reported that “no circus tent ever went up faster.” Opening day had the Dwyers’ carpenters adding ten feet to their wall, followed by an additional story haphazardly slapped on to the hotel. Both structures began to shake uncontrollably every time the wind blew. “The Brooklyn Jockey Club (the Dwyers), owned the race course," DeLacy boasted, “and has the right to withhold its news if it can. But I don’t think the effort will be a success. We need that information and we’re bound to get it.”

     Despite all the construction, telegraphers still could not get a clear view of the finish line. The track had also moved the odds and scratches board under the judge’s tent. Western Union went public, offering $25 to any patron willing to provide the necessary information to the hotel. DeLacy went so far as to rent two large locust trees from a neighboring farmer, posting his most agile agents in the uppermost branches. The Dwyers simply built another fence.
     Meanwhile, the Pinkertons were increasing their vigilance. They noticed a tall young man in a close-fitting gray coat behaving strangely near the paddock. He would button and unbutton his coat, raise and lower his hat, hold his pink sporting sheet at various angles, mop his brow, and bow in different directions. As suspected, he was signaling a man in one of the locust trees, who in turn was fanning himself with a large palm frond – Morse code, from track to tree to hotel.

     Women joined in as well. The World reported a case of the “most innocent looking woman in the grandstand” playing with a baby. She would open and close a parasol to the delighted amusement of the child – dots and dashes to the spotters in the trees. A rainstorm finally ended her correspondence.
     Another woman was arrested at the gate when it was discovered that she had a dozen carrier pigeons sewn inside her dress. Even women with babies were drafted, changing diapers after each race in a predetermined pattern. As a result, the finish results made their way to the gambling halls.

Off-track Crowds Decline:
     Bit by bit though, DeLacy was feeling the pinch. Crowds at the poolrooms were dwindling, and complaints grew more vocal. Often, horses would be announced “at the post,” but would fail to “be off” for a half-hour or more. Stretch runs could take as long as two minutes, and a two-minute race would require a half-hour or more before the results were posted.
     Both sides in the dispute had also reached their structural limits, at least as far as carpentry was concerned. Western Union erected a series of 90-foot tall poles. A wiry telegrapher in spiked boots scaled the mast, setting up his office and an American flag on the very top. Phil Dwyer erected his own 120-foot poles with giant cross-beams and canvas sheets to block the telegrapher’s view. Gravesend looked like a giant schooner ready to sail through Brooklyn.
     The Pinkertons were gaining notoriety as little more than paid thugs, which in reality they were. Confrontations grew more heated and violent, threatening to degenerate into a shoot-out like the one at a Chicago track where the local sheriff was shot dead by city police. Gambling aside, it was apparent that New York City was descending into anarchy and authority was being auctioned off to the highest bidder.
An Uptown Poolroom
     New Yorkers were incensed, even if somewhat confused over exactly what was going on. Many citizens as well as track patrons viewed the Dwyers’ locked gates as an affront to the democratic principles they cherished, not to mention abusive and overly greedy. The public fully expected New York’s finest to intervene, but they were having none of it. War was war, and for the most part the civilians were caught in the crossfire.
Hughes’s Coalition:
     New York City’s chaos played into Governor Hughes’s plans. Up in Albany, he was busy pasting together a coalition of lawmakers and civic groups to push through a new round of anti-gambling legislation. His main allies were Senator George Agnew and Representative Mervin Hart. Hughes was also able to get the clergy to forget their sectarian differences in favor of what he called “moral legislation.” Even the YMCA got involved, sending cadres of members throughout the state to lobby for a legislative proposal known as the Agnew-Hart Racing Bill – legislation designed to outlaw gambling both on and off racetracks.
     The first hearings were held on March 4, 1907. James R. Keene, acting as counsel for the Jockey Club, the de facto regulatory agency of American racing, concluded his extensive testimony by offering a moral lesson for the committee: “Racing enthusiasts are concerned with improving the breed of horses…My opponents are seeking to improve the breed of men.” His message did not fall on deaf ears. The debate raged in the Legislature for a month before the bill was finally placed before the full house. After four hours of acrimonious debate on April 4, it failed on a 25-to25 tie. The Legislature adjourned on April 23, but a determined Hughes called for a special session to meet May 11th.
"Racing enthusiasts are concerned with improving the 
breed of horses...my opponents are seeking to improve
 the breed of men"  James R. Keene, counsel for The 

Jockey Club."


     In the interim, he once again stumped the state seeking support for the antigambling legislation. In an odd twist of fate, Senator Stanislaus Franchot, representing the Niagara-Orleans district, unexpectedly died, creating a vacancy in the Senate. Hughes focused all his energies in a campaign for a replacement favorable to his views. When the bill was reintroduced on the floor (on the final day of the special session, June 11), the Agnew-Hart Racing bill became law, passing by the single vote the governor personally delivered. 
Racing Stumbles On:
     Legally disconnected from gambling revenues, racing stumbled along for a few more months. During the winter of 1908-’09, leaders of the various racing associations in New York and the Jockey Club held heated meetings to debate the future of horse racing in the state. Facing the prospect of financial ruin for their industry, they still chose to go forth with the 1909 season. To their surprise, both Belmont Park and Gravesend opened to record crowds, primarily due to  loopholes in the Agnew-Hart bill.
1904 Brooklyn Handicap
     The legislature was quick to react, passing two amendments; one outlawing oral betting, which the New York appellate court had previously ruled legal, and the other a law making racetrack owners personally and criminally liable for activities that take place within their establishments. It was the second amendment that broke racings’ back. The Jockey Club voted to cease operations for 1910. Horse racing would no longer be conducted in the state of New York.
     Several of the most prominent owners and breeders exported their best horses to England and France. Fearing the loss of purses to American owners, France banned all but European-bred horses in its flat races. Many good American-bred racehorses ended up as cavalry mounts for French officers in World War I.
     New York was not the only state affected by the black-out. Similar statutes were passed in other states with a strange collection of repercussions. With New York effectively out of the picture, the Kentucky Derby by default ended up as the richest (and later, most prestigious), race in the United States.
     America’s leading owner, Samuel Hildreth, retained his title by campaigning his horses in Canada, even though the stable’s earnings had dropped 69% -- a good indicator of the economic impact of the ban. Racing also found a niche in Juarez, Mexico, where Pancho Villa was a frequent patron.
     A good many Thoroughbreds were simply auctioned off, although the glut of unemployed racehorses made them almost valueless. Some horses were exported while most were simply euthanized.
Threat of War:
     The trend was only reversed by the threat of war in Europe. The U.S. Army, through the Remount Service, was actively petitioning the White House to alleviate a service-wide shortage of horses. Thoroughbreds were still a necessary ingredient of the U.S. Cavalry. Even as late as 1918, the armed forces had as many as 5-million horses. The Remount Service needed Thoroughbred stallions for the Army’s breeding program. Even though the armed services were rapidly mechanizing, the Army attempted to maintain a similar inventory of horses up until the middle of World War II, long after the presumed obsolescence of the cavalry. Without horses (and mules), the campaigns in China and Burma would have failed.
     Many state governments were also feeling the economic pinch. In New York’s case, the 5% contribution to the agricultural sector evaporated, causing many rural New Yorkers to question the real value of gambling reform. State fairs were canceled or scaled back, while programs as innocent as 4-H or Future Farmers of America were chronically starved for funds. In New York City, the demise of the city’s “biggest business” left thousands unemployed.
     In New York, the political fallout could have easily toppled Hughes’s regime, but on April 10, 1910, he was nominated to the U.S. Supreme Court, thereby terminating his reign as New York’s leading reformer. The year also witnessed the failed re-election campaign of Senator Agnew, co-author of the anti-gambling legislation, and the sudden resurrection of Tammany Hall under old Boss Croker. The gambling prohibition experiment was faltering, perhaps foreshadowing the coming ban on alcohol and its ultimate failure.

     By 1913, racing resumed in New York but still without the benefit of legal wagering. Between 1913 and 1915, numerous states’ statutes against gambling were overturned by higher courts on the grounds that “one man gambling against another man was not illegal.” These rulings led to the national growth of the so-called Paris Mutuels System, a mechanized form of betting that pitted one patron against every other patron, thereby removing the middleman or bookmaker from the equation.
     The racetrack was guaranteed a percentage of total wagering but had no direct access or control of either odds or results. This effectively destroyed outside gambling interests and rendered irrelevant most arguments in the anti-gambling lobby. The Pari-Mutuel System, as it is known today, is the only system of wagering in use today at all North American tracks.
     The reform fights of the early 20th century also had a profound impact on American business. Banking and financial institutions felt the first crunch of coming regulation. Utilities like Western Union were subjected to government oversight and later full regulation. Though real reform did not come until after both Prohibition and the Great Depression, the die had been cast.
     The Gravesend dispute was far more than a fight between two Irish butchers and the off-track bookmakers. Instead, it was a class struggle fought over who would control the American Dream within the borders of the country’s most populous state. In retrospect, the game was played to a draw.
     Did a moral question really exist? It is probably doubtful. But the battle did have its victims. Gravesend racetrack never reopened; the Dwyers decided to develop the property for real estate.

  Finite

Authors Note: World War I led to deaths of almost 28-million people; both soldier and civilian alike. The worldwide cataclysm also led to the deaths of well over 400,000 horses, many euthanized at the war's close. No one knows exactly how many American Thoroughbreds were lost -- the victims of domestic policies at home and the failure of a broader diplomacy abroad. But it would take decades for the sport to recover. 


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Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Today's Poetry Corner....






From, "The Journal of Albion Moonlight"

1940

From the hag and hungry goblin
That into rags would rend ye,
All the spirits that stand
By the naked man
In the book of moons. defend ye,

That of your five sound senses
You never be forsaken,
Nor wander from
Yourselves with Tom
Abroad to beg your bacon.

With a thought I took from Maudlin,
And a cruse of cockle pottage,
With a thing thus tall,
Sky bless you all,
I befell into this dotage.

I slept not since the Conquest,
Till then I never waked,
Till the roguish boy
Of love where I lay
Me found and stript me naked.

The moon’s my constant mistress,
And the lonely owl my marrow;
The flaming drake
And the night-crow make
Me music to my sorrow.

I know more than Apollo,
For oft, when he lies sleeping,
I see the stars
At mortal wars
In the wounded welkin weeping,

The moon embrace her shepherd,
And the queen of love her warrior,
While the first doth horn
The star of morn,
And the next the heavenly farrier.

With an host of furious fancies,
Whereof I am commander,
With a burning spear
And a horse of air 
To the wilderness I wander;  

By a knight of ghosts and shadows
I summoned am to tourney
Ten leagues beyond
The wide world's end --
Methinks it is no journey.






Tuesday, May 5, 2015

A Little Summer Primer...Just to Set the Proper Tone...


Exert From that Infamous and Rowdy Tome


Mares, Foals & Ferraris


     On Doc’s farm, the abuse generally centered on the fences.  In fact, that old song, “Don’t Fence Me In” was probably put to music by one of our horses, its melodic ideologue handed down from one generation to the next so that fence-wrecking was easier to determine genetically than racing ability.  And when it came to demolishing fences, the same theories launched in the breeding shed, speed versus stamina, found new credence in their destructive, moronic behavior: some of them did it fast, while the rest could do it all day.  Doc’s emergency response team, which consisted of him and whatever was in the trunk of the Cadillac, preferred baling twine or wire whenever an escape was in progress.  Some of the fences had highly technical repairs which I was to learn were mattress sutures.  One section had an uncanny resemblance to a hernia patch.  Seems veterinary medicine and home repairs had a lot in common.  Good thing he wasn’t a dentist, otherwise the whole place would have been wrapped in dental floss.

     I discovered, at least in the beginning, that a great deal of energy has been exhausted over the years to support the various fencing lobbies – loose confederations of grizzly looking wire peddlers who have researched the pros and cons of all kinds of exotic and organic materials, from old-growth cedar, to recycled Michelin radials and weird plastic posts made from melted- down dashboards, some with the speedometers still working.  Each professed to know my true needs, the opening salvo of their sales pitch, playing on either my naiveté or my ego.  “Well, see here, you got some mighty expensive animals here, and well, I don’t profess to tell ya yer business, being a manager and all, but I wouldn’t consider anything but the best.  Now look here at this Bolivian teak...”  Little did he know that what I really wanted to do was dig a mote and hope that two out of three drowned trying to escape.

     We also covered electric fencing, something called, “The Bull Tamer,” that plugged into your dryer outlet.  It didn’t shock you, it blew off a limb.

     “Don’t you think that’s a little severe,” I asked.

     “Why, hell no.  Them horses of yours will only touch it once.  Once they get a handle on 240 volts, they’ll develop a whole new attitude.  Now, about that Bolivian teak?”

     “What about the rain forest?”

     “The what?  Ah hell, you mean down there in South America?  Did I say Bolivia?  I meant Alabama.  I keep gettin’ those places confused.  Damn, I never was any good at geography.”



     A field trip to some neighboring farms revealed a number of options, from four-board plank to an assortment of woven wires – some square, others claiming to be especially designed for Thoroughbreds:  triangular.  I didn’t think most horses did geometry.  I figured it was a fashion thing.  I stopped by to ask Earl, but he only shouted, “She ain’t workin’ today!”  One neighbor was sold on electric fencing, but when I inspected his system, the sight of a half-dozen squirrels, frozen like rigored trapeze artists suspended from the wires, made me a little uncomfortable.  Smelled pretty bad too.  I did get a vote for this system – from the cat.  I never knew cats could drool.  I locked him in the truck.

     I even considered barbed-wire, that nasty stuff that turned the Great Plains into a giant bovine parking lot.  Granted, revenge did enter my mind in considering such an option, but I figured the cheap horses would con an expensive one into putting its leg through it, sort of like an initiation ceremony into a motorcycle gang.  I finally decided on woven wire – non-climb – not the pricey triangular stuff designed for Thoroughbreds, but a cheap brand guaranteed not to rust, splinter, break, attract lightning or kill squirrels.  At least until you got it home.  I bought ten rolls, each weighing about two hundred pounds.  I never did understand the ‘non-climb’ thing.  Our horses were too lazy to climb anything.  If they wanted out, they just put the transmission in reverse and rammed the fence with their butts.  Their excuse was an unreachable itch.  I should have bought them all back-scratchers instead.

     I had planned on being environmentally sensitive by using the old fence posts, split-cedar relics from another age (when wood was wood and men were...), but the termites had eaten the bottoms and the horses the tops.  (No, I don’t know why horses eat wood, other than to irritate the hell out of me.)  A guy down the road had a semi-load of old railroad ties, soaked in creosote and made from ‘Erk’ trees and was willing to part with them for three bucks apiece, a bargain by local standards.  I asked him what kind of wood ‘Erk’ was, but he just snarled and counted the money.  Why does a guy with a fourth-grade education who uses diesel fuel for cologne always feel inclined to insult a guy who is trying to give him money?  He probably stole them from Burlington-Northern and the Chicago-bound West Coast Limited was going to end up in a ditch outside Missoula, Montana.

     Now I had the wire and the posts.  The only thing missing were the holes, which deductive reasoning told me might involve a little digging.  A search of the farm failed to produce anything suitable for the task.  I did find two boxes of duck decoys, the motor for the barn boat and somebody’s clam sucker, a long tubular device designed for catching Pacific razor clams.  It showed a lot of promise until it hit a rock.  I headed for the feed store.

     “Hey, how ya doin?  How’s that Moomud mare you guys bought doin?”  This was Maynard speaking, the owner of the feed store.  Actually, the mare was a distant relative of Mahmoud.  Something got lost in the translation.

     “She’s fine, but I gotta dig some post holes.  You got somethin’ for that?”

     “Sure, try this.”  He handed me a two-handled shovel that looked more suitable for pulling an infected molar on a gray whale.

     “Say, you guys ever heard of a wood called ‘Erk?’  I got these railroad ties, the guy said they were...”

     “That pile on Novelty Hill?  Geez, those things weigh about 400lbs a piece.  That’s Bobby Williams that has them.  He’s from Georgia.  They’re oak, not ‘Erk.’  He just kinda talks funny.”



     “Well, I actually didn’t buy them, I was just thinkin...”

     “That’s good, it’d take a stick of dynamite to get a nail in one of ‘em.”

     Great.  I just paid a fortune for petrified wood.  And just think, there are only 300 of the damn things.

     Back at the farm, the cause and effect of stabbing the earth with a weird shovel and the need for good mental health were at odds.  I had figured that good, honest labor would negate my need to curl up on a psychiatrist’s couch and discuss my infatuation with Julia Roberts, Susan Sarandon, Madonna, Cindy Crawford and Lyle Lovett.  Okay, so I hum along with Lyle and have sexual fantasies about the others.  Really, it’s inexpensive entertainment when you’re faced with punching holes in an unforgiving planet.

     The first two holes went rather well, but by the seventh or eighth, the notion of an hour on the couch confessing old insecurities began to develop a certain appeal.  My shoulders felt like Joe Namath’s knees and I was even developing blisters on my forehead.  Considering I had 292 earth penetrations to go, it was time to go high-tech.

     Another trip to town produced a true wonder of modern, technocratic farming:  the auger, which is little more than a truck rear-end with a milkshake mixer attached.  The thing fastens on the back of a tractor, gets hooked to the power take-off and while I sit and drink frozen daiquiris, it burrows its way to Shanghai.  Perfect, except for one minor problem:  it could dig the hole, but it couldn’t decide where the hole should be, a conclusion clouded by tall grass and natural indecision.  A male thing.  Men are not natural planners, we’re executors.  Ever watched a B western real close?  Women load the guns, men pull the trigger.

     There are certain exceptions though, most involving stuff like betrayal, toilet lids, bedding other women – that sort of thing.  Since the man was kind enough to teach the woman how to load the gun, the next step goes pretty quickly.  The big difference is that women keep shooting until the gun is empty.  Oh, and they try to shoot the man on the porch, not inside the house.  Less mess that way.  That’s the planning part.

     After an hour of circling the field, I took the coward’s way out – I asked Jesse.  Women always know where fences belong and they always show up on cue when something needs clarification.  You turn around and there they are!  Women love to confuse men with clarification.

     She took to the task right away, explaining the importance of strict boundaries, honest lines of communication and something about parallel thinking.  I tried to explain that parallel thinking was on a collision course with a forty-five foot alder tree.  She dismissed my argument abruptly.  “I think you need to re-evaluate your priorities.  Maybe I should re-evaluate a few for…”

     “Hmmm.”  I killed the engine on the tractor and swung around to face her.  “We are talking about a large tree?”

     “Really,” she plowed forward.  “You haven’t considered what it means to set distinct boundaries.  If you did, you would know exactly where this fence belongs.”  By now, she was waving her hand in the general direction of one of the outer planets in the solar system.

     I kept looking at her, then outer space, then back to her.  “Oh bloody hell,” I mumbled.

     “What?”

     “Nothing.  The bloody well.  You can’t put a fence there.  The well is in the way!”

     “Then put it over there!” she yelled, gesturing toward the neighbor’s driveway.  “In fact, why don’t you stuff it in...never mind, I’m leaving.”

     Suddenly the clouds split and God’s long right arm slapped me alongside the head.  “I completely forgot about last night...I’m really sorry.”

     “You only remember what you want to remember.  You’d forget Mother’s Day, the phone bill; you’d forget Christmas if it weren’t for all the decorations!  It was my birthday!”

     Mother’s Day I could understand.  The last thing I wanted to do was encourage my mother.  I’d already tried twice to get the local paper to print my obituary.  “Wait a minute,” I interrupted.  “I haven’t known you that long.  How am I supposed to remember everything in your life?  I have enough trouble with my life!”  Bad choice of words.

     “Every?  I sat in that restaurant for two hours – in a dress!  The waiter started buying me drinks because he felt sorry for me!  Like I said, put the stupid fence wherever you want.  You’ll forget where it is in ten-minutes anyway!  I knew I shouldn’t have…whatever!”

     A dress?  I missed that!  I figured she’d only wear a dress for the Queen or something.  “But, but…”  Never could finish a sentence in these circumstances.  However, I did have clarification.

     With that she was gone, leaving me to my own devices, parallel thinking and all.  Actually it was an historic moment:  our first confrontation, man and woman sorting out the intricacies of our lives in front of God and a few of the neighbors.  Somehow, it felt a little premature.  According to my count, we had gone out approximately five times, not including one romantic rendezvous having the oil changed in her truck.  I had gone from being invisible to patently irresponsible without ever having left any shaving stubble in her sink.  “It’s not fair!” I yelled.  From a distant porch, a neighbor yelled back, “I agree with you!”

     After an hour of finger-drumming on the hood of the tractor, I made a bold decision.  In reality, drumming your fingers is what professionals refer to as ‘anger management.’  Kind of like counting to ten, but spread out over sixty-minutes or so.  That way you can assertively answer all those angry statements in the privacy of your own brain.  As far as fences went, I would simply follow the creek on one side and the old fence line on the other.  Plus, I’d whack down that damned alder tree.  Somebody or something needed to pay a price.  In this case it was a tree, which on further examination, turned out to be dead anyway.  Probably a suicide.  A much better way out than watching me try to start a chainsaw.

     I ran a string between the two distant points, insuring a straight line.  At eight-foot intervals, I stuck a stake in the ground to pinpoint ground zero.  That’s where the auger would quickly chew up grass, loam, rocks and probably a few unlucky worms, producing a perfectly engineered project.  Right?  Wrong.  Somehow, every hole ended up at least six inches off where it was supposed to be, reinforcing my long held belief that you can’t draw a straight line on a round planet.

     A hole is a hard thing to move.  A 747?  At least it has wheels.  Holes just lay there sucking the life out of you.  My choices were limited:  either buy a two-foot wide auger or digress to a little corrective work with the manual model.  But then, I figured that by the time the horses got done doing the ‘big three,’ the fence would probably be a little crooked anyway.  So why bother?  Besides, Jesse was going to take one look at it and wrinkle up her nose anyway.  I had gone out with her just long enough to recognize when I had been dismissed by a facial twitch.

     Now that I had all the crooked posts in the ground, it was time to string the wire.  Contrary to what they told me at the feed store, there is nothing simple about a two-hundred pound roll of woven wire.  The first step is to unroll the wire.  The second step goes a lot quicker, as the wire decides to re-roll itself with me inside.  Step three, which was probably step one in reality, is to anchor one end, then unroll it.  Once I had it unrolled again, I discovered it was three-feet short of the end post, which might as well have been a mile, since all I had was a two-inch staple.

     I tried hooking it to the tractor and stretching it the extra three feet, but that pulled it off its anchor, causing it to re-roll itself quite smugly underneath the tractor.  A good jack and an hour of cursing finally brought the wire to its senses.  It was now time to stretch it tight, giving it that professional look.  Oh, I decided to ignore the problem about the missing three feet.  It was a lot easier to shrink the farm than risk another session with the jack and a bunch of obscenities.  Any more noise and the guys with the red suspenders would show up to sell me a brain.

     The guys at the feed store told me that the best way to stretch wire was with a tool known as a come-along, a device that makes a wimpy farm manager into the Charles Atlas of fence stretchers.  His instructions seemed simple:  attach one end to a stout tree or the tractor and the other end to the wire.  Vigorous cranking should make the fence as taught as piano wire.  Evidently in the farming bizz you couldn’t have a fence that looked like fifteen mesh bras on a clothesline.  Not really acceptable.

     There is a problem with the cranking though.   A come-along is really a power trip – singing wire and all that – so guys want to do just one more crank.  It’s irresistible.  Do it, surrender to your ego and boom, either the posts all pop out of the ground, the tractor tips over, or, in my case, the wire breaks, once again re-rolling the whole mess under the tractor, causing the neighbor to throw up his hands and disappear into his house.  I wish the guy would get into down-loading pornography or something.

     About nine o’ clock that evening, I scraped up the courage to knock on Jesse’s door.  Mostly the dog barked, but after about ten minutes, two or three towels and a body showed up at the door.  She had been in the shower.

     “I’m sorry about this afternoon,” I offered.  Actually I was.

     “No, I’m sorry,” she returned.



     “I’m sorrier,” I shot back.  I was still thinking about the dress.

     “Dammit!”

     “I brought you a present.”  I stuck out a bouquet of flowers and a can of corn.  The kind that has little bits of red pepper tossed in.

     “Corn?  You brought me a can of corn?”

     “Yeah, Mexicorn.  And flowers!  Focus on the flowers.”



So, get the hell to work!  You're wastin' daylight.